Tantric Resolutioning
The Tantric Farmer has been absent from the blog a bit as I wrapped my head around the situation. Long story short: he is married, his wife decided after we became close that she didn’t want him to be open even though she is, and she was taking it out on me. I did everything I could to try to help her/them, and she was horrible to me. I realized she must be pretty bad off mentally to do that. Three months after I met her, I came to a pretty drastic conclusion.
They were in a high-drama relationship. I wasn’t interested in a relationship with her because she didn’t respect me. And I’m not talking triad. I just wanted to be civil at least, but when you get middle-of-the-night texts saying, “He’s all yours, he’s divorcing me…” That’s just not cool.
He opted not to talk to me about their relationship for the past two months or so. It was a double-edged sword. I was trying to work through the trauma of offering my love and support to someone close… ok, MARRIED to my lover, and then being rejected and dragged repeatedly over the coals. He said that she wanted to apologize, but I felt bad vibes and stayed away. I also cast a protection spell on myself against her.
About a week ago, he told me she said she was divorcing him. Because of me. Ever had that happen to you? If not, you really can’t imagine what it feels like. Emotions in a blender.
Over the next few days, I came to the conclusion that this wasn’t about me (or anyone who could have easily been in the same position I was). I was a conduit for their interpersonal frustrations. I noted the toll that it was all taking on me, I decided to step away from the situation, lovingly and mindfully. It had come to the point that the cons were outweighing the pros. I love the Tantric Farmer more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but he needed to get this stuff figured out and me being in the picture was NOT helping the situation. I did my personal work. I can’t do anyone else’s. I know it sounds like a pretty messed up situation. Judge it if you want, but that won’t help anything.
So, I mustered the courage to tell him over Skype since he’s working in a different timezone. He told me that he was no longer seeking a resolution with her. They will be getting divorced at some point (I’ve never been married, let alone divorced, but it seems like a grueling process).
I feel like a giant cloud has moved out from over our relationship. I’m more secure in our connection than ever. I trust mySELF more because my gut was right all along. I forgave myself for going against my instinct and meeting her in the first place. And had to let go of some guilt and shame I’d imposed upon myself for not being able to help them.
The TF and I had an amazing, drama-free weekend of reconnection—one of many to come, I presume! I had to respond in the affirmative when he asked, “Will you quit trying to break up with me now?” ;) I owe it all to love.
Here are a few cards that showed up in my tarot reading last night to confirm :D
Whenever I meet someone that I’m viewing through a possibly romantic lens, I subconsciously begin to look at them differently, to hold them to a different standard.* That is, unless I feel an immediate sense of acceptance/non-judgment from them. If that’s not the case, judge them very closely, even more if I really like them, because I want to find a flaw in them, something I don’t like. After much introspection, I realize this is because I don’t want them to get to close because that scares me. But I think the judging concept is a lot like the modern definition of romantic “love.” As in, “I love you”-love. 
