Parting from a beloved is bittersweet. You’ve had an amazing time (in my case, a weekend of doing X, talking, touching, appreciating each other, smoking pot and making love all weekend (condomless since we both got STI tests and he’s vasectomied)), and you want that togetherness to remain crystalized.
Alas, time moves on. And your mind must move on into the present, physically alone.
But I haven’t “fallen in love.” I’ve allowed my heart to be awakened. There’s no limit to how much your heart can grow, so it’s an endless endeavor. Love isn’t just saying, “I love you” and having expectations of someone because you love each other. It’s being grateful for their existence, and present with them when they’re there, even if you’re not always at the center of each others’ worlds.
Still, this love isn’t like any other I’ve ever experienced. It’s totally new, uncharted territory. It’s not monogamous and I like it that way. I have the time and autonomy I require to grow. There is more deep, connected, mindful love for me in the world if I seek it. I recognize that no one person can satisfy all of another’s needs, and being with another person all of the time doesn’t satisfy mine.
You have to surrender a lot of “security” to love someone else. You have to take a sledgehammer to the walls that you’ve built around yourself. You have to expose your self to the possibility of pain, no matter if it’s real or imagined. You have to see things from two perspectives, if not more.
Being in love doesn’t mean reserving your love for the people involved in the relationship. You’ve got to take it to the world. Share it with others. Not in some public act of indecency, but in your smallest actions, your smiles, your acknowledgements of others in the most “insignificant” ways. Love is letting your heart shine, no matter where you are or who you’re with.
Love is also the willingness to recognize that your ego is looking for reasons to feel insecure in your relationship, and realizing those worries are a result of the past and not indicative of the future (unless you act on them and make them so). Sharing your romantic love with someone else includes recognizing your flaws and working to improve them to benefit yourself everyone you come in contact with.
I feel like there are hearts floating around my head like some lovestruck sap in a cartoon. And I’m going to let myself enjoy it. Love isn’t easy, but it’s good. Thanks for reading. Sometimes you just need to realize something major and let the reality of it flood your life. It may take a few days ;)