Yesterday I turned 29!! I spent an awesome day at BhaktiFest Midwest singing kirtan, doing yoga, a little meditation, a lot of good and loving vibes. Most of them, anyway.
So the Farmer’s Wife showed up in the evening after our last yoga class and we met up with her during the Krisha Das kirtan (amazing). Just before that fateful event, I felt pretty resistant to it. As open as I was from a day of Bhakti (translates to devotion), I still had anxiety about meeting someone who had bad vibes toward me. Who wouldn’t? So I smoked a hitter, he suggested another, and then we were off for the main event.
He went to get her and brought her over. She’s in full hippie-fest regalia and very gorgeous. So we said hello and weakly shook hands. Then we were in some kind of embrace so she could “take me in.” Then the Farmer left so we could talk or something, but she and I realized we didn’t have much to say. She shed a few tears, thanked me, and I told her it was a pleasure, and that I benefited from this in a few ways, too. Then we stood there until she went to look for him to get a hug.
So I stood there for awhile until he came back and we sat and listened to kirtan. Then she came over and sat on the other side him and he was holding both of our hands, or touching us both at the same time. I could feel her energy. Eventually it just made me uncomfortable. This city isn’t that big and poly is like the new gay. Also, I’m fine with the fact that I just don’t want to be poly in public. That’s my right, right? So anyway, she took off to smoke a hitter, I came down a little from my earlier two, and all the while, a kirtan is going on, which creates a pretty intense air of focused energy. I realized I was having an aversion to her and then I realized why. Because when I heard her out on the phone for an hour and a half last week, she said some things to me that I felt were meant to be hurtful. All I want out of this is some modicum of privacy in my relationship with him. If you talk about me, I don’t want to know about it. She went through his email at one point and told me about it. She told me she knew the details of our sex life. How am I supposed to react to that? I sensed she wanted to hold something over me and it made me uncomfortable.
So in the middle of kirtan, I realized this and told him. And then I just started crying. It was loud and dark, so it wasn’t a big deal to do that there, but it felt good to admit it to myself. As much as I want to help everyone and be a good person, damaging myself for someone else’s possible benefit is not healthy. He soothed me and suggested I tell her that. So when she came back, presumably to make more nice (“Do you want to go look at clothes?” “I would, but I’m pretty beat, thanks, though!”), I suggested we go for a walk.
I told her that she had been honest with me, so I was going to do the same. I told her that I wanted privacy and respect, which is what I was doing my best to give her. I told her I felt like she’d said things to deliberately hurt me. She said she was really stoned and couldn’t discuss it properly at the moment. She didn’t seem to care much about my feelings being hurt or offer any sort of apology or regret. So I said, “I just want to make sure that I’m hearing what you’re saying—yours and his feelings are the only thing you’re concerned about here.” She replied in the affirmative more or less. Which I can totally understand, but it’s nothing I want to be part of.
So I told her I didn’t have time for this. That I wasn’t going to use my energy this way. That I have things going on in my life, and a relationship with her doesn’t really serve me. I also told her that we both knew he was going to do what he damn well pleased. She said a few things throughout to kind of devalue my relationship with him (things about “all the other people,” etc.). And I wished her luck and departed. She’s obviously not down with poly, and that’s pretty much what he’s about, so good luck with that one, sister. She’s being “monogamous to him” and wants him to do the same and come be a family man. She has an 8-year-old kid and a lot of responsibility that he’s obviously not too interested in right now. She’s a tantra teacher (you can read as much into that as you want and probably come away with a general understanding, emphasis only to highlight absurdity), but seems to want him to only want to be with her. They met when he was still with his first wife and before that divorce……. And she wants him to be monogamous now, or to only have shallow poly relationships very sporadically.
Here’s what it comes down to for me. I asserted my rights and, though it felt strange, I know it was the right thing. It still feels strange. It’s a bummer that things couldn’t have been more agreeable, but that’s life and everyone has their perspectives and goals. He and I have a very close bond, and I’m happy with that. If both of us see other people, that won’t change what we’ve shared and how we’ve grown together and because of each other.
This extra effort (wife-meeting) to spend time with/possibly help him, though awkward, was what I felt I owed him as a friend and lover. And I’ve done what I can do, and that’s all she wrote. I was so afraid that this would be the end of our relationship, but it’s obviously not. It’s probably made us more connected. And he got me off about five? times since this all went down, so all is well ;) He and I discussed it and I’m more comfortable than ever with where we stand. Because for me, it’s about accepting the present moment for what it is rather than focusing on the future (where you want to be) or the past (where you came from).
It all comes down to trust, I guess. In the situation with his wife, I didn’t trust that she would respect me in the ways I required. She admitted that she had harsh feelings toward me (which I noted would be directed toward anyone in my place). I told her I’d like to help her work on this theoretically, but it wasn’t right for me at the time. He’s said time and time again that her insecurities are driving him away. Both of our relationships with him are very different. But I trust that he will respect me and we’ll take it from there mindfully. And I know I can trust myself to speak up for my needs and take care of myself. Good birthday lessons!
TL;DR: Met my lover’s wife ON MY BIRTHDAY. It went ok until I told her that I didn’t want any involvement in her rocky relationship until she could respect me the way I was trying to respect her. It didn’t seem like she could honor that, so I said ok, good luck, bye!
This is what the Tantric Farmer gave me for my birthday- a yab-yumming Buddha/Shiva/Godhead and Shakti statue. The sweetest gift… I’d been wanting some kind of sex art for my room, and now I have it! Serendipitous!